Day 25---On Empty In Sugarland

Some days there is no emotional gas left in the tank.

From the moment I wake up, the second my brain starts firing after a restless night of sleep, and from the moment I acknowledge that I have another day of thoughts ahead of me...I crave something simple and uncomplicated.

Most days play out like an endless game of chess for me. Analyzing my next move in the hope that it will not put my desires and ambition in checkmate, or worse yet, a stalemate.

At least with checkmate you understand that you are defeated completely, and that from the loss you can always choose to play another day; or give chess up completely, but with a stalemate you are stuck, and nothing seems to move, no options can present themselves clearly...you just stare at your opponent in deadlock.

Neither one of you giving an edge or some room to breathe.

Some days I make it through on sheer will alone, on a hope and an immense amount of stubbornness that I must have picked up from a Taurus somewhere along the way.

Other days I give up from the moment I open my eyes, and these days I write off as some filler in my life's story line. It is on these days that I cannot even comprehend the energy, will, and fortitude that it will take to make my life the way that I need it to be...the way that I think it needs to be.

These days I don't feel much of anything really, just a sense of complacent melancholy. These days everything seems to have a filter on it, and nothing emotionally can reach me.

These days I am running on empty.

On these days your problems do not bother me, your ambitions do not impress me, and your desires do not stir me; it is on these days that your love does not shine bright enough.

I don't normally approach anything or anyone on these types of days. I keep to myself and I feel sorry for myself, and all I want is for something more than this stalemate that we share.

It is these days without enough energy, that I stare blankly in to a future that I cannot see, and I look for an escape that I cannot find; these empty feeling days that I want something more than this scared and weak numbness that lives inside my heart.

On some of these days I dig deep to find something more in myself than cold defeat.

Sometimes I will even openly curse myself for allowing myself to fall so far below logic, for allowing myself to run on empty so long that my strong defenses fall like a tower of cards.

I don't sleep enough, I can't sleep enough; always thinking, always analyzing and always playing chess.

Some days you have to kill the queen first.

Some days you have to admit defeat and let it just pass by.

Of course we could all learn something from Danbox couldn't we? Couldn't I?

At the end of the day, sometimes, it comes down to just one simple thing, just one moment without depth, one moment that won't affect your life in any important way, sometimes you just need to lose yourself in too much candy and say "Fuck it!...tomorrow I can worry about the calories!"